Everything is Yours!

Steven Curtis Chapman added the last verse of this song after the death of his young daughter.  Before he gets to that verse though he takes you through a journey of places and faces he has discovered along the way and around the world.  Quite sure I have not been to as many or the exact destinations he sings of, but have been to places I only dreamed I thought I'd ever go!  The four corners of this country and an abundant of states in between, Canada, Mexico, Barbados, Jamaica, Scotland...From the White Sands of New Mexico to the shores of the North Sea I have stood and held the sand in hand from each place I have visited.  I have photographs of proof I've been there!  Oh, and the countless people who have crossed my path...oh their souls, each belonging to God! Every inch of this world is God's.  The magnolia trees of the south to the great pine trees here in the Northwest, the beautiful "10,000" Lakes of Minnesota, the amazing Autumn colors of the upper East States!  To the Crashing waves against the moors on the Isle of Skye to the turquoise and sun in Jamaica!  Everything is Yours God.

So, why does SCC chose to add to this particular song or dedicate this song to his daughter in the light of her death and not say..."Cinderella" or "Faithful" or several different other songs of his...???  I remember when I first heard this song after his adding to it that it was indeed beautiful but still of all his songs, why that one?  While I thought and still think it a perfect fit...why THAT song.

Well, it has long been a favorite of mine.  And this one I hold particularly close right now.  We are close to the end of the two-year mark for all our paperwork for adoption needs to be renewed, new home studies and such and deciding to continue on this road.  It gives way to more finances needed and with recent medical bills things aren't bad but a bit more tight right now pulling in the reigns on some things. And this has to be a journey we both, my husband and I, we both must agree on.

Some/many may not know of the countless times our profile/book has been shown to birthmothers each choosing in the end to keep the baby or indeed choosing another couple to raise the child, not us.

Only some knew of my husband's second cousin who became pregnant and was searching for a home for her baby and many in our family tried convincing her of the great scinerio...but she chose a couple nearer her home out East so she could more conveniently visit with the child.

Then, even fewer people know of our endeavors into IVF this last spring that quickly came to a screeching halt due to my Stroke.  I had breif moments of hope that I could possible be pregnant even during this stroke incident.  I recall the guy in the ambulance asking if I ever had Bells Palsey (spelling).  I said no, but my mother had it actually when she was pregnant with me!  I thought to myself maybe I am pregnant and having similar symptoms like my mother did?!?!  I was hesitant but excited that maybe thats what this was!  So I needed an MRI once I got to ER, but as in anything they have to check for pregnancy first so I take that test.  Laying in the ER bed...waiting...and waiting...for them to come back to tell me (and Donovan) result of said test, they couldn't do the MRI if I was.  Then they came... the MRI technician.  I asked, "Well, did they already get the pregnancy test results?"  The tech shakes her head yes.  She has no clue of our desire for children, who can blame her for her insensitivity about it.  So I continued and asked bravely, "So, that was a negative then for sure??"  And again, she shakes her head yes.  Donovan and I just look at each other...no words.  Sad moment, I fought the tears, and thought I have a different battle to fight right now.  Lets figure out whats going on...so they wheeled me into the MRI room.

MRI showed a stroke.  I do not have diabetes, high blood pressure, clogged arteries... and so on.  They couldn't find reason for my stroke.  So, I am then admitted to hospital and they give me an ultrasound of my heart.  Again it felt like another blow.  As I lay on my left side, ultrasound screen staring me in the face...it shows a hole in my heart...not a baby, not that I was expecting that but oh how I was wishing I was looking at an ultrasound of a baby...

All of this just felt like a punch to my stomach...every "she chose a family nearer to her" or "she chose a couple who has horses" or "she (14 years old) chose to keep Baby".  Stroke.  Ultrasound..of heart, not Baby.  Then I get home.  I was due to have an appointment with my Gynocologist for continuance of the IVF that I knew I had to reschedule for I did not have the energy to make it in that day.  Through all of the doctors and info at some point with hole in heart I did hear pregnancy is a higher risk. I informed my Gynocologist of my new found condition only for her to tell me we cannot continue due to the risk, they will not purposely impregnate me due to the risk now.  Infact she suggested to come in to talk birth control options.  Punch, kick, punch!

So needless to say things seem to be closing in and a little dim right now in the hopes of a child.  But this song reminds me that even if I did have a child to "claim" it would not be mine, for everything is His.  Everything.