Everything is Yours!

Steven Curtis Chapman added the last verse of this song after the death of his young daughter.  Before he gets to that verse though he takes you through a journey of places and faces he has discovered along the way and around the world.  Quite sure I have not been to as many or the exact destinations he sings of, but have been to places I only dreamed I thought I'd ever go!  The four corners of this country and an abundant of states in between, Canada, Mexico, Barbados, Jamaica, Scotland...From the White Sands of New Mexico to the shores of the North Sea I have stood and held the sand in hand from each place I have visited.  I have photographs of proof I've been there!  Oh, and the countless people who have crossed my path...oh their souls, each belonging to God! Every inch of this world is God's.  The magnolia trees of the south to the great pine trees here in the Northwest, the beautiful "10,000" Lakes of Minnesota, the amazing Autumn colors of the upper East States!  To the Crashing waves against the moors on the Isle of Skye to the turquoise and sun in Jamaica!  Everything is Yours God.

So, why does SCC chose to add to this particular song or dedicate this song to his daughter in the light of her death and not say..."Cinderella" or "Faithful" or several different other songs of his...???  I remember when I first heard this song after his adding to it that it was indeed beautiful but still of all his songs, why that one?  While I thought and still think it a perfect fit...why THAT song.

Well, it has long been a favorite of mine.  And this one I hold particularly close right now.  We are close to the end of the two-year mark for all our paperwork for adoption needs to be renewed, new home studies and such and deciding to continue on this road.  It gives way to more finances needed and with recent medical bills things aren't bad but a bit more tight right now pulling in the reigns on some things. And this has to be a journey we both, my husband and I, we both must agree on.

Some/many may not know of the countless times our profile/book has been shown to birthmothers each choosing in the end to keep the baby or indeed choosing another couple to raise the child, not us.

Only some knew of my husband's second cousin who became pregnant and was searching for a home for her baby and many in our family tried convincing her of the great scinerio...but she chose a couple nearer her home out East so she could more conveniently visit with the child.

Then, even fewer people know of our endeavors into IVF this last spring that quickly came to a screeching halt due to my Stroke.  I had breif moments of hope that I could possible be pregnant even during this stroke incident.  I recall the guy in the ambulance asking if I ever had Bells Palsey (spelling).  I said no, but my mother had it actually when she was pregnant with me!  I thought to myself maybe I am pregnant and having similar symptoms like my mother did?!?!  I was hesitant but excited that maybe thats what this was!  So I needed an MRI once I got to ER, but as in anything they have to check for pregnancy first so I take that test.  Laying in the ER bed...waiting...and waiting...for them to come back to tell me (and Donovan) result of said test, they couldn't do the MRI if I was.  Then they came... the MRI technician.  I asked, "Well, did they already get the pregnancy test results?"  The tech shakes her head yes.  She has no clue of our desire for children, who can blame her for her insensitivity about it.  So I continued and asked bravely, "So, that was a negative then for sure??"  And again, she shakes her head yes.  Donovan and I just look at each other...no words.  Sad moment, I fought the tears, and thought I have a different battle to fight right now.  Lets figure out whats going on...so they wheeled me into the MRI room.

MRI showed a stroke.  I do not have diabetes, high blood pressure, clogged arteries... and so on.  They couldn't find reason for my stroke.  So, I am then admitted to hospital and they give me an ultrasound of my heart.  Again it felt like another blow.  As I lay on my left side, ultrasound screen staring me in the face...it shows a hole in my heart...not a baby, not that I was expecting that but oh how I was wishing I was looking at an ultrasound of a baby...

All of this just felt like a punch to my stomach...every "she chose a family nearer to her" or "she chose a couple who has horses" or "she (14 years old) chose to keep Baby".  Stroke.  Ultrasound..of heart, not Baby.  Then I get home.  I was due to have an appointment with my Gynocologist for continuance of the IVF that I knew I had to reschedule for I did not have the energy to make it in that day.  Through all of the doctors and info at some point with hole in heart I did hear pregnancy is a higher risk. I informed my Gynocologist of my new found condition only for her to tell me we cannot continue due to the risk, they will not purposely impregnate me due to the risk now.  Infact she suggested to come in to talk birth control options.  Punch, kick, punch!

So needless to say things seem to be closing in and a little dim right now in the hopes of a child.  But this song reminds me that even if I did have a child to "claim" it would not be mine, for everything is His.  Everything.

What I Learned

This post is about six years in the making, well, OK, maybe eight.  April 17th My husband Donovan and I celebrate our Anniversary of eight years.  Can't beleive how quickly they have gone.  So we have had many moments of goodness, laughter, sadness, fear, highs and lows.  We married April of 2004.  We had a very beautiful, relaxing honeymoon in Jamaica!  We made our home in Chaska, MN.  There were many days we thought we would not make it.  We fought so much, easily three to four times a week...and that may have been a good week.  I don't know what held us together but the grace of God.  There were moments in-between the fighting also though that were precious and priceless.  Memories made and hopefully cemented in our minds forever.  We loved to take drives in the country.  We so enjoyed a beautiful day at Canterbury watching those majestic horses run with fury.  Many weekends we went to our cabin in Wisconsin, so peaceful.  We tried our hand at home improvement there and discovered we will be leaving that to the professionals in times to come.  We loved a lazy summer day at a Twins game.  We traveled to Scotland together and discovered cobblestone roads one may believe were never walked on and stumbled upon forests and rivers in the Highlands of which one may mistake for being caught in a painting and roamed the scattered castles of the land.  Two years had gone by before ya knew it!!  And then, the news.  Donovan has cancer.  The word you hear of only other people dreading.


So, the title of this post is "What I Learned" and here it is simply:  If there is indeed love it doesn't matter the time.  Two minutes, two hours, two days, two months, two years, twenty years, fifty, seventy...When you love someone, there simply isn't enough time.  And this always leads me back to possibly why God gave such a gift of Christ dying  for our sins that we may spend eternity with Him (thats a lot of time!!!)...because He LOVES us!!!  God wants to share all that time with us!  Can you imagine?!  


Another thing I learned is how much Donovan loves me and the way/how he shows me his love.  By protecting and providing...heavy on the providing.  He sat me down several times during this season in our marriage to go over the finances to make sure I knew where everything was and what it was so I would be taken care of and knew what to do should anything happen to him.  And he still does so to this day and I suspect he always will.  I of coarse do not like it when he does this because it makes me think of the moments he may not be around...or vice versa.


Back to the two hours to seventy years!  As I sat by Donovan in many waiting rooms, hospital rooms, chemo sessions, and the aftermath of those moments I would think to myself.  The pain of losing one so close doesn't make it easier if there is less time spent with that individual... If you haven't had the fortune of creating epic memories you mourn the moments that never were...


I love this song I posted along with this particular post ("All of Me" by Matt Hamitt).  It always brings me back to that lesson in life of how precious it is and that the time to love some one is now and needs to be fully and completely.  The love we muster up down here on earth may not be perfect but give it anyway.  I think people will recognize the genuineness if it is coming from your heart.


One thing I know and that I knew the moment I had gotten the news of Donovan's cancer is my love is real for him as his love also is for me.  It is a journey we look back on and can see God's hand of provision and love.  Thinking back I remember just hoping for more moments and realizing and recognizing when that day does approach for either one of us... it will be a sad day.  No matter how little or how long our time together will be.  I remember literally thinking what is the moment going to be like if I actually witness his last breath... how surreal that would be...or he for me.  These lives intertwined...when one loses life.  I know this all may sound so morbid, but I think its a good thing to remember...to make every day count.  


There are other things I learned during this time too, but maybe thats another post!  Much love to all of you and as many others say at the end of their posts...hope to be here more often to write more frequently!  Till next time...

Addison Road - What Do I Know Of Holy w/Lyrics

What I don't want to do is what I always do which is exactly what I don't want to do! Aargh!!! I guess, is it Paul (?) says it best in Romans 7:15 (NASB) "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate." KH (my) translation: "What in the world am I doing (to MYSELF no less!)!!! I so desperately want to do what is right, yet I don't OVER and OVER again!" Anyone else might say, "Well you must not really want that then, otherwise you would..." And so my mind rehearses that and Satan taunts ..."you can't do it" (that which is right). But I must remember THE ONE Who is Mercy and Grace and Love! The One who can give me strength from day to day to do what I should do. I love this song it reminds me of Christ and Who He IS and what I need to know of Him.

Verse vs. Chorus

Hey there! It has been nearly a year since my last post. I want to start something I thought of quite a while back...I would like to take the songs I have on my playlist and expand on the reason I chose particular songs! Just thought it would be fun. I will do so in hopes to not bore anyone. I will write on songs randomly but they all will be from my playlist. You may be wondering why I entitled this post what I did, well, for me there are many songs out there that we may like the chorus but you can tell they just wrote words inbetween just to get to the chorus. Now I may have a few of those in my collection but for the most part I love to hear the whole story. So sit back, read, listen, and respond if you like! First song that I will randomly select to write on is entitled "My Jesus" by Todd Agnew. Now, the song might be a little tough to listen to, not only for his rough voice but possibly for the message too. The verses ask intense questions that match his intense voice, maybe thats why Todd's recording works. I can't imagine Sara Groves or Avalon or even NewsBoys singing this one. But the verses ask questions of the like: "If Ephesians tells us to imitate Christ, why do we look so much like the world?" and "Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteuosness but do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand?". In the song Todd continues to ask if when we picture Christ do we see the pretty blue eyes, wavy hair and clear complection only to ask us if we missed the part in the Word where Christ was battered and bruised beyond recognition and heads into the chorus proclaiming...my Jesus bled and died, He spent His time with theives and robbers, prostitutes and the least of these. He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable, the arrogant, the rich. In Todd's song he approaches the subject of Christ being accepted in our churches...His (Christ's) blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet, but reminds us that even Christ reaches for the hurting and despises the proud. And even goes onto perhaps Christ Himself would prefer Beale Street to the stained glass crowd.So do you infact want to be like my Jesus? Christ calls us to live like Him to love like Him. What does that mean when this Holy Being actually suffered and died...for me? How am I mirroring this Great Man? Ephesians 5:1,2 "Follow God's example in everything you do, because you are His dear children. Live a life filled with love for others, following the example of Christ who loved you and gave Himself as a sacrifice to take away your sins. And God was pleased because that sacrifice was like sweet perfume to Him." (New Living Translation)

Excuse me, Maim...

Ok so I am at the grocery store today and for the life of me could not find a particular item so I automatically ask for help..."Excuse me, maim, do you know where I can find...oh, I am so sorry. Sir, where can I find..." He had beautiful long blonde hair! He was turned, stacking the shelf. But when he turned to help me I read his name tag..."Michael". I was a bit embarrassed!!! Oh well!

Alls I wanted was a donut...

OK, so I run into the grocery store for a donut the other day (this was between packing/unpacking, back and forth to and from apt/new house). Anyways these are good donuts so I suspect I will be waiting for at least one person at the donut shelf. Anyways...so I am waiting patiently, quietly, uconspicuously like when all the sudden the lady in front of me picking out her donut turns to me and starts gushing out that she's having a hysterectomy tomorrow and I just said "...ok, yeah..." and she's says "what?' and I repeat my "ok..I,..I just said ok.". I thaught that would be it but no. She continues to go on about how nervous she is about germs right now and that her daughter and granddaughter are sick with the flu right now, oh and don't forget about her hysterectomy that I am pretty sure I don't think I care about...just going on about all the medicine she's on! All this while she is standing WAY inside that personal space zone placing her hand on my arm throughout her whole shpeel!!! Oy-yi-yi! Alls I wanted was a donut not the swine flu, lady!

My husband, the GUY!

I had to laugh the other day when I had a metal finger nail file setting on the end table in the living room by where Donovan usually sits. Well, he comes and sits down and comments on it saying as innocently as one man's man can be..."So, do you like that mail opener?" I'm in the kitchen all like..."...mail opener?!?" I approach the living room and see his face as serious as can be looking at the nail file! I laughed so hard...but told him it probably could double as a mail opener...He's so cute! That was just too funny not to document!