Everything is Yours!

Steven Curtis Chapman added the last verse of this song after the death of his young daughter.  Before he gets to that verse though he takes you through a journey of places and faces he has discovered along the way and around the world.  Quite sure I have not been to as many or the exact destinations he sings of, but have been to places I only dreamed I thought I'd ever go!  The four corners of this country and an abundant of states in between, Canada, Mexico, Barbados, Jamaica, Scotland...From the White Sands of New Mexico to the shores of the North Sea I have stood and held the sand in hand from each place I have visited.  I have photographs of proof I've been there!  Oh, and the countless people who have crossed my path...oh their souls, each belonging to God! Every inch of this world is God's.  The magnolia trees of the south to the great pine trees here in the Northwest, the beautiful "10,000" Lakes of Minnesota, the amazing Autumn colors of the upper East States!  To the Crashing waves against the moors on the Isle of Skye to the turquoise and sun in Jamaica!  Everything is Yours God.

So, why does SCC chose to add to this particular song or dedicate this song to his daughter in the light of her death and not say..."Cinderella" or "Faithful" or several different other songs of his...???  I remember when I first heard this song after his adding to it that it was indeed beautiful but still of all his songs, why that one?  While I thought and still think it a perfect fit...why THAT song.

Well, it has long been a favorite of mine.  And this one I hold particularly close right now.  We are close to the end of the two-year mark for all our paperwork for adoption needs to be renewed, new home studies and such and deciding to continue on this road.  It gives way to more finances needed and with recent medical bills things aren't bad but a bit more tight right now pulling in the reigns on some things. And this has to be a journey we both, my husband and I, we both must agree on.

Some/many may not know of the countless times our profile/book has been shown to birthmothers each choosing in the end to keep the baby or indeed choosing another couple to raise the child, not us.

Only some knew of my husband's second cousin who became pregnant and was searching for a home for her baby and many in our family tried convincing her of the great scinerio...but she chose a couple nearer her home out East so she could more conveniently visit with the child.

Then, even fewer people know of our endeavors into IVF this last spring that quickly came to a screeching halt due to my Stroke.  I had breif moments of hope that I could possible be pregnant even during this stroke incident.  I recall the guy in the ambulance asking if I ever had Bells Palsey (spelling).  I said no, but my mother had it actually when she was pregnant with me!  I thought to myself maybe I am pregnant and having similar symptoms like my mother did?!?!  I was hesitant but excited that maybe thats what this was!  So I needed an MRI once I got to ER, but as in anything they have to check for pregnancy first so I take that test.  Laying in the ER bed...waiting...and waiting...for them to come back to tell me (and Donovan) result of said test, they couldn't do the MRI if I was.  Then they came... the MRI technician.  I asked, "Well, did they already get the pregnancy test results?"  The tech shakes her head yes.  She has no clue of our desire for children, who can blame her for her insensitivity about it.  So I continued and asked bravely, "So, that was a negative then for sure??"  And again, she shakes her head yes.  Donovan and I just look at each other...no words.  Sad moment, I fought the tears, and thought I have a different battle to fight right now.  Lets figure out whats going on...so they wheeled me into the MRI room.

MRI showed a stroke.  I do not have diabetes, high blood pressure, clogged arteries... and so on.  They couldn't find reason for my stroke.  So, I am then admitted to hospital and they give me an ultrasound of my heart.  Again it felt like another blow.  As I lay on my left side, ultrasound screen staring me in the face...it shows a hole in my heart...not a baby, not that I was expecting that but oh how I was wishing I was looking at an ultrasound of a baby...

All of this just felt like a punch to my stomach...every "she chose a family nearer to her" or "she chose a couple who has horses" or "she (14 years old) chose to keep Baby".  Stroke.  Ultrasound..of heart, not Baby.  Then I get home.  I was due to have an appointment with my Gynocologist for continuance of the IVF that I knew I had to reschedule for I did not have the energy to make it in that day.  Through all of the doctors and info at some point with hole in heart I did hear pregnancy is a higher risk. I informed my Gynocologist of my new found condition only for her to tell me we cannot continue due to the risk, they will not purposely impregnate me due to the risk now.  Infact she suggested to come in to talk birth control options.  Punch, kick, punch!

So needless to say things seem to be closing in and a little dim right now in the hopes of a child.  But this song reminds me that even if I did have a child to "claim" it would not be mine, for everything is His.  Everything.

What I Learned

This post is about six years in the making, well, OK, maybe eight.  April 17th My husband Donovan and I celebrate our Anniversary of eight years.  Can't beleive how quickly they have gone.  So we have had many moments of goodness, laughter, sadness, fear, highs and lows.  We married April of 2004.  We had a very beautiful, relaxing honeymoon in Jamaica!  We made our home in Chaska, MN.  There were many days we thought we would not make it.  We fought so much, easily three to four times a week...and that may have been a good week.  I don't know what held us together but the grace of God.  There were moments in-between the fighting also though that were precious and priceless.  Memories made and hopefully cemented in our minds forever.  We loved to take drives in the country.  We so enjoyed a beautiful day at Canterbury watching those majestic horses run with fury.  Many weekends we went to our cabin in Wisconsin, so peaceful.  We tried our hand at home improvement there and discovered we will be leaving that to the professionals in times to come.  We loved a lazy summer day at a Twins game.  We traveled to Scotland together and discovered cobblestone roads one may believe were never walked on and stumbled upon forests and rivers in the Highlands of which one may mistake for being caught in a painting and roamed the scattered castles of the land.  Two years had gone by before ya knew it!!  And then, the news.  Donovan has cancer.  The word you hear of only other people dreading.


So, the title of this post is "What I Learned" and here it is simply:  If there is indeed love it doesn't matter the time.  Two minutes, two hours, two days, two months, two years, twenty years, fifty, seventy...When you love someone, there simply isn't enough time.  And this always leads me back to possibly why God gave such a gift of Christ dying  for our sins that we may spend eternity with Him (thats a lot of time!!!)...because He LOVES us!!!  God wants to share all that time with us!  Can you imagine?!  


Another thing I learned is how much Donovan loves me and the way/how he shows me his love.  By protecting and providing...heavy on the providing.  He sat me down several times during this season in our marriage to go over the finances to make sure I knew where everything was and what it was so I would be taken care of and knew what to do should anything happen to him.  And he still does so to this day and I suspect he always will.  I of coarse do not like it when he does this because it makes me think of the moments he may not be around...or vice versa.


Back to the two hours to seventy years!  As I sat by Donovan in many waiting rooms, hospital rooms, chemo sessions, and the aftermath of those moments I would think to myself.  The pain of losing one so close doesn't make it easier if there is less time spent with that individual... If you haven't had the fortune of creating epic memories you mourn the moments that never were...


I love this song I posted along with this particular post ("All of Me" by Matt Hamitt).  It always brings me back to that lesson in life of how precious it is and that the time to love some one is now and needs to be fully and completely.  The love we muster up down here on earth may not be perfect but give it anyway.  I think people will recognize the genuineness if it is coming from your heart.


One thing I know and that I knew the moment I had gotten the news of Donovan's cancer is my love is real for him as his love also is for me.  It is a journey we look back on and can see God's hand of provision and love.  Thinking back I remember just hoping for more moments and realizing and recognizing when that day does approach for either one of us... it will be a sad day.  No matter how little or how long our time together will be.  I remember literally thinking what is the moment going to be like if I actually witness his last breath... how surreal that would be...or he for me.  These lives intertwined...when one loses life.  I know this all may sound so morbid, but I think its a good thing to remember...to make every day count.  


There are other things I learned during this time too, but maybe thats another post!  Much love to all of you and as many others say at the end of their posts...hope to be here more often to write more frequently!  Till next time...